February 25, 2017....Faith in Family Life

            Joseph Smith defined faith not only as a belief but as “The principle of action in all intelligent beings” So what is the connection between faith and successful marriages and families?

The Family Proclamation teaches us that, “Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.”   We are taught to start our marriages in the faith of the gospel and to raise our families in that faith.

In chapter 18 of “Successful Marriages and Families” by Alan J. Hawkins, the importance of praying together as husband and wife and then as a family.  “Praying together as a family and reading the scriptures…..together is probably the best thing we do to pull us toward Heavenly Father and each other, it feels right.  It feels good” (p.188)  When I think of my own family, when things get tough and contention sets in, I immediately realize that we are not praying together and reading our scriptures.  It is true that those two things invite the spirit into our home.

One Christian Mother explained:

“We have disagreements in our marriage, we have things we don’t see the same sometimes, and faith is a source of help.  We can pray about things together and the Lord can help us work things out.  Sometimes one person has to give in and accept the other person’s point of view and it helps to be able to pray about things.  The Lord, He’s the best counselor you could ever have” (p. 189)

I love that the Lord truly is the best counselor we have.  I was watching Dr. Phil the other day who is a modern day counselor.  He was trying to help a family out of control and was frustrated in their responses.  When they showed clips of this family’s home life, all I could think of was that faith was missing from their home.  They felt hopeless and distraught.  I just wanted to tell them to pray for help, pray for peace in your home and pray for guidance.

Bringing faith into our marriages and family, we know is an act ordained of God.  Russell M. Nelson said, “The gospel of Jesus Christ is a sure foundation upon which we can build our individual faith. Some of us are weak; some are strong. We can waffle “like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed” (James 1:6), or we can anchor ourselves with cords of spiritual steel, rooted and grounded to the eternal truths of the gospel. Such faith will not prevent life’s problems but will help when things go wrong. Bad things happen to good people. Accidents occur. Some married couples may not be blessed with children. Others may not marry in this life, or they may find themselves married to one who fails to keep the commandments of God. The Lord is aware of these circumstances. He will bestow all the blessings that He has in store for His faithful children—in His own way and in His own time.  Be righteous, be patient, keep an eternal perspective, and you will be protected. (Russell M. Nelson, “Faith and Families”, BYU Speeches, Feb 6, 2005)

Joseph Smith defined faith not only as a belief but as “The principle of action in all intelligent beings” So what is the connection between faith and successful marriages and families?

The Family Proclamation teaches us that, “Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.”   We are taught to start our marriages in the faith of the gospel and to raise our families in that faith.

In chapter 8 of “Successful Marriages and Families” by Alan J. Hawkins, the importance of praying together as husband and wife and then as a family.  “Praying together as a family and reading the scriptures…..together is probably the best thing we do to pull us toward Heavenly Father and each other, it feels right.  It feels good” (p.188)  When I think of my own family, when things get tough and contention sets in, I immediately realize that we are not praying together and reading our scriptures.  It is true that those two things invite the spirit into our home.

One Christian Mother explained:

“We have disagreements in our marriage, we have things we don’t see the same sometimes, and faith is a source of help.  We can pray about things together and the Lord can help us work things out.  Sometimes one person has to give in and accept the other person’s point of view and it helps to be able to pray about things.  The Lord, He’s the best counselor you could ever have” (p. 189)

I love that the Lord truly is the best counselor we have.  I was watching Dr. Phil the other day who is a modern day counselor.  He was trying to help a family out of control and was frustrated in their responses.  When they showed clips of this family’s home life, all I could think of was that faith was missing from their home.  They felt hopeless and distraught.  I just wanted to tell them to pray for help, pray for peace in your home and pray for guidance.

Bringing faith into our marriages and family, we know is an act ordained of God.  Russell M. Nelson said, “The gospel of Jesus Christ is a sure foundation upon which we can build our individual faith. Some of us are weak; some are strong. We can waffle “like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed” (James 1:6), or we can anchor ourselves with cords of spiritual steel, rooted and grounded to the eternal truths of the gospel. Such faith will not prevent life’s problems but will help when things go wrong. Bad things happen to good people. Accidents occur. Some married couples may not be blessed with children. Others may not marry in this life, or they may find themselves married to one who fails to keep the commandments of God. The Lord is aware of these circumstances. He will bestow all the blessings that He has in store for His faithful children—in His own way and in His own time.  Be righteous, be patient, keep an eternal perspective, and you will be protected. (Russell M. Nelson, “Faith and Families”, BYU Speeches, Feb 6, 2005)

"Faith and Families" Russell M. Nelson

  

  

February 18, 2017.......Divorce: When is it right?

Having been through a divorce after 18 years of marriage, I struggled with the fact that my family fell apart, that I hadn’t lived up to what was expected of me by the family oriented church I belong to.  Even though at times it was hard to raise my children in the gospel alone, I knew it was the one consistent thing that my children and I could depend on when all other securities had been ripped out from underneath us. 

Elder Dallin H. Oaks said, “There are many good Church members who have been divorced. I speak first to them. We know that many of you are innocent victims—members whose former spouses persistently betrayed sacred covenants or abandoned or refused to perform marriage responsibilities for an extended period. Members who have experienced such abuse have firsthand knowledge of circumstances worse than divorce.”  

President James E. Faust said, “In my opinion, any promise between a man and a woman incident to a marriage ceremony rises to the dignity of a covenant.  Over a lifetime of dealing with human problems, I have struggled to understand what might be considered “just cause” for breaking of covenants.  I confess I do not claim the wisdom nor authority to definitely state what is “just cause.”  Only the parties to the marriage can determine this.  They must bear the responsibility for the train of consequences which inevitably follow if these covenants are not honored.  In my opinion, “just cause” should be nothing less serious than a prolonged and apparently irredeemable relationship which is destructive of a person’s dignity as a human being.”

When I read both of these quotes, I felt so much better about myself and my decision to divorce when I did.  I agree with President Faust in that there were a train of consequences that followed, but I don’t see the struggles of my divorce as consequences, I see them as a train of hurdles I had to overcome on my way to finding peace and happiness.  Especially after being in a mentally abusive and draining relationship.  

God knows what is in our hearts.  He knows the pain we endure, and he knows when we have done all we can to work it out.  Bottom line, God wants us to be happy.

February 11, 2017.....Fidelity: Let Us Be Loyal

Last week, my husband and I took a road trip about 4 hours north of our home to attend the funeral of his cousin.  The trip to the funeral was one of me falling in and out of sleep while he drove, so there was little conversation.  On the way home, I asked the question to him, "What do you think people will say about me at my funeral?"  He laughed and said, "Sherri, there are so many good things people will say, but here is what I would say about you"...........  He said, "You are loyal".  I asked, "What do you mean, to you?"  He said, "You are loyal to your kids, loyal to your callings, loyal to your job, loyal to your God, but most of all, you are loyal to me.  I never have to worry about you being unfaithful and it's such a great feeling to know you love me enough to never let that happen."

His words brought tears to my eyes because he was right.  I'm not sure though that I have ever really stopped to think about the fact that I am loyal, but I do know that to my husband and I both, it is something that is extremely important since we were both cheated on in our first marriages.  We know firsthand the worry, the pain of that constant pit in our stomachs, the helplessness and the blame and guilt that comes with that emotional trauma. 

My ex-husband was addicted to pornography.  I didn't know until after our temple marriage that his addiction began as a young boy.  Had I known, I would have ran as fast as I could away from what became and 18 year battle.  His addiction eventually led to two affairs resulting in our divorce.  When I read "The State of the Nation Report:  Appendix 5   Pornography, sexual infidelity and family breakdown, pg. 144", I felt I was reading exactly what happened to my marriage and family. 

In Doctrine and Covenants 42:22 we read: "“Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else”

President Spencer W. Kimball said, "The words "none else" eliminate everyone and everything. The spouse then becomes preeminent in the life of the husband or wife, and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse."

It is my testimony that marriage between a man and a woman truly is ordained of God and that Satan is doing all he can and working overtime, to fill our minds with doubt, frustration, anger and pride that we might turn away from our spouse and towards him.  We need to arm ourselves with the love, devotion and sacrifice it takes to cleave only unto our spouse, to be loyal. 

-"Fidelity in a Marriage: It's More Than You Think", Kenneth W. Matheson, Professor, School of Social Work, Brigham Young University, September, 2009.

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February 4, 2017....."Happy Marriage: Cold, Hard Facts to Consider"

     This week in my marriage course, we learned about different trends that are affecting the family, such as divorce, cohabitation, births to unmarried women, fertility rates and more.  For this post, I will focus on divorce since it has affected my family and I lived through it.

     My ex-husband and I met when we were in college, he was baptized and two years later we were married in the Mesa, AZ temple.  So by the time we were married, we had known each other 4 years. My decision to marry him was one of knowledge and inspiration and to this day I do not regret my decision.  After about 5 years and 1 child later, my marriage fell apart.  I wont go into detail but my worst fears came true.  I sought the counsel of my bishop who was a wise and caring man.  The church does not advise divorce so he helped me think and pray my way to my decision.

     I didn't realize at the time the church's view on divorce, but this week as we listened to Elder James E. Faust, he said, "Some marriages just fail".  He also that there can be "Just Cause" for divorce, such as; breaking of covenants and the destruction of one's dignity.  Reasons like personality differences and falling out of love are not just causes. 

     Dallin H. Oaks talk on "Divorce" was very informative on the church's view.  He said, "Bishops do not council members to divorce, but they can help members with the consequences of their decisions.  Under the law of the Lord, a marriage, like a human life, is a precious, living thing.  If our bodies are sick, we seek healing again and again.  The same should be true of our marriages, and if we seek Him, the Lord will help us and heal us."

     I believe the Lord wants us to be happy and along with their counsel on divorce, our church leaders also want us to be happy. 

Elder Dallin H. Oaks, "Divorce"