April 1, 2017....."The Nurturing Mother"

           Today I reflect on my eternal calling as a mother.  I turn first to my own mother and share with you her great example of what kind of mother I wanted and hoped to be.  She too had a great example in my grandmother of what nurturing is all about.

            Growing up, my mother was so involved in my life.  She was my teacher, my confidant, my example.  She has made sure that all her children were taken care of 1) emotionally by laughing and crying with us and always listening to us. 2) Spiritually by teaching us to pray, praying with us and teaching us that there is a God and we will never be alone. 3) Mentally by instilling in us the importance of school, setting and accomplishing goals, and not to quit.  4) Physically by teaching us that our bodies were temples and caring for them was important and that obeying the word of wisdom would protect our bodies from harm.  This is what nurturing is to me.

            Elder Bruce C. Hafen and Sister Marie K. Hafen explain, “Just as a mother’s body may be permanently marked with the signs of pregnancy and childbirth, [the Savior] said, “I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands” (1Nephi 21:15-16).  For both a mother and the Savior, those marks memorialize a wrenching sacrifice—the sacrifice of begetting life—for her, physical birth; for him, spiritual rebirth (1194, p29) (Successful Marriages and Families, A. Hawkins, p. 131)

            President Spencer W. Kimball said, “Mothers have a sacred role.  They are partners with God, as well as with their own husbands, first in giving birth to the Lord’s spirit children, and then in rearing those children so they will serve the Lord and keep his commandments (1976, p. 72). (Successful Marriages and Families, A. Hawkins, p.131)

            As a mother now of adult children, I have realized that my work is not done.  Satan is working overtime to sabotage their testimonies.  As I kneel daily and plead with my Heavenly Father to protect them from the adversary, I know how He must feel about us, His children.  I can relate to His heartache as we sometimes lose our way.  I can almost hear His pleading for us to look up and reach for Him.  I am so grateful I have the gospel to help me in my efforts and that my own mother taught me to pray.

            Elder Ballard taught, “There is no one perfect to be a good mother.  Each situation is unique.  Each mother has different challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children.  The choice is different and unique for each mother and each family…What matters is that a mother loves her children deeply and, in keeping with the devotion she has for God and her husband, prioritizes them above all else (May, 2008, p. 108) (Successful Marriages and Families, A. Hawkins, p.135)

            Nurturing children with the help of the gospel of Jesus Christ, doesn’t mean our efforts will be flawless, but it does mean we have are doing all we have been asked to do.  I love being a mother and step-mother and am blessed to have God on my side.

Me, my beautiful daughter and beautiful mother.

References: Successful Marriages and Families, A. Hawkins, 2012

March 25, 2017...."Parenting With the Gospel On My Side"

            I start this week’s post with a quote from one of my favorite prophets, President Gordon B. Hinckley:

            “As children grow through the years, their lives, in large measure, become an extension and a reflection of family teaching.  If there is harshness, abuse, uncontrolled anger, disloyalty, the fruits will be certain and discernible, and in all likelihood they will be repeated in the generation that follows.  If, on the other hand, there is forbearance, forgiveness, respect, consideration, kindness, mercy, and compassion, the fruits again will be discernible, and they will be eternally rewarding.  They will be positive and sweet and wonderful……I speak to fathers and mothers everywhere with a plea to put harshness behind us, to bridle our anger, to lower our voices, and to deal with mercy and love and respect one toward another in our homes.” (Successful Marriages and Families, A. Hawkins, p. 125)

            The family is the focus of God’s Plan.  It is in our families that we first learn to forgive, to respect, to be considerate, to be kind, to have and show mercy and compassion.  He knew this life would be hard and He gave us a family to endure all the trials and celebrate all our accomplishments with.

  The Gospel of Jesus Christ has given us the parenting tools that enable us to be positive examples to our children.  Family home evening and scripture study and family prayer are some of these tools, along with church meetings and partaking of the sacrament.  Also, taking time to talk to our children about our own gospel experiences, our testimony and thoughts on the teachings of the prophets, are priceless moments we should take advantage of.

I am so grateful that I have had Christ's church on my side through my years of parenting.  Even though my children are older, I still need and pray for His guidance daily when I know they are struggling, that I will know what to say and do that will help them.  With God on our side, this parenting gig is so much easier.

References: Successful Marriages and Families, A. Hawkins, 2012, p. 125

March 18, 2017....Parenting With Love

          When I had my first child, I wish I had been given a instruction manual.  I had no idea how to be a parent let alone, a great parent.  I had great examples because my parents were the best and I had a great childhood in which they prepared me for life.  So here I am, a new parent trying to find my way.  How do I raise my own son in love and righteousness as taught in The Family Proclamation?

            Brigham Young Suggested:  “Parents should never drive their children, but lead them along, giving them knowledge as their minds are prepared to receive it.  Chastening may be necessary betimes, but parents should govern their children by faith rather than by the rod, leading them kindly by good example into all truth and holiness” (Hawkins, p. 105) Reading this was a profound slap in the face.  As parents, it is my opinion that we want to drive our children and force them to do the right things or accomplish the things we want them to accomplish.    We need to be careful though that we don’t end up being coercive.  “The coercive style of parenting is characterized by parents who deride, demean, or diminish children and teens by continually putting them in their place, putting them down, mocking them, or holding power over them”. (Hawkins, p. 105).

As a child, teenager and even a young adult, I was the product of coercive parenting but only from one parent, my mother.  As I listened to Glenn Lathman describe what coercion is, I recognized it immediately as something I experienced and even tried with my own kids (emphasis on "tried") Lathman said, "Coercion creates the image of expediency and efficiency".  We as parents tend to want immediate results and when we get those results we think our approach worked.  Therefore, we do it again, potentially creating an environment our children want to escape from.   My first reaction is one of sadness.  Why would any parent want their children to escape their home?  I know that was the last thing my mother wanted me to do and I don't think she even realized why at last I did.  My father had the more active but loving approach.  I knew what was expected, but I also knew I could go to him is times of confusion to talk things through.  My mother was too over emotional to just talk, instead she demanded my obedient behavior.  I love my mother, don't get me wrong, but being the 2nd oldest child of 7 and the oldest girl, I got the trial and error version of her parenting.  It seems with every child after me her coercion efforts became less, as if she gave up the fight.  As her children began to make choices, some good, some bad, she was humbled by the fact she could not control her children and force them to choose the right. This is how she overcame her challenges and tendencies to coerce.

As a single mom of three children, I started out with the same tendencies to coerce my children into obedient behavior.  With the stress of being alone, work, church and parenting in general, I soon realized that I could not parent this way.  I needed to create an environment where my children could come talk with me, where they knew what I desired of them in their behavior and choices but yet help them and love them when they failed. 

About a year ago, my daughter (my youngest) was a freshman in high school.  Her friends of about 7 years chose a different path and she was headed down it with them.  Long story short, I got a call once night from a dept. store that my daughter was caught shoplifting.  I was in immediate shock and needless to say, a terrible wreck by the time I got to the store to pick her up.  I didn't handle it well.  In the week to follow, several things were revealed that broke my heart but I quickly realized that she didn't need my judgement or constant reminding of her wrong choices, she needed my love.  I testify that it is the love that saved my sweet girl, not forcing her to see the error of her ways, and into repentance, but loving her and being there for her as "she" applied the atonement to her life. 

           Joseph Smith said, "I teach them correct principles and they govern themselves".  When applied to parenting, I believe this is our ultimate goal, that our children, having been taught, will eventually govern themselves and hopefully chose God.  

March 11, 2017..... Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's off to work we go.....

     When I was young I had household chores every Saturday.  Of course as a young child they were the simple chores but as I got older, I graduated to stuff like vacuuming the whole house, Dusting the whole house, Cleaning all the bathrooms, milking the family cow,(I hated that chore)and helping my mother strain the milk for cream.  When I was in high school, my father owned a cotton farm in southern AZ.  My summers were spent getting up at 5 am and going to fields to chop weeds, up and down the rows.  This is when I first earned money to pay tithing and to save.  I believe my work ethic now came from my parents teaching me to work. 

     Because of the experience I had of working with my family, I now believe that working as a family can be rewarding and it does build relationships.  As I walked up and down the rows with my siblings, we would sing our favorite songs, laugh and tell jokes.  Sometimes we would fight but then that would end in laughing.  When we did our household chores we would often trade the chore depending on how we felt that day.  My sister and I still laugh at how she trade her dish washing for my vacuuming because dirty dishes grossed her out. We made many lasting memories.  I believe working as a family forces us to interact with one another in ways that we would normally not because it puts us in situations that we wouldn't normally be in had we not been working. 
     In the talk, "The Blessings of Family Work Projects", by President Dean Jarman, October, 1982, President Jarman concluded his talk by saying, "May I add my own feelings. Our family work has become a big factor in bringing a higher degree of love, peace, and unity into our home. Many neighbors have commented on how much our children really enjoy each other. I am amazed as I witness our children stretching in their tender years toward self-reliance. Yes, work is a spiritual and essential principle. Our own beloved prophet has taught that “life is not wholly for fun and frolic.”

March 4, 2017......Repentance and Forgiveness

     Today I post my thoughts on repentance and forgiveness in a family.  In the family is where we first learn to love, serve, repent and forgive.  I say this because as a child when I was making childhood mistakes, my parents taught me to say sorry to whomever it was I had wronged.  As they taught me to pray, I would ask Heavenly Father to forgive me.  I know growing up, I was nicer to my friends then my family and when I think about this now, it was because I knew my family would forgive me.

     In class, I was asked the question, “What behaviors would you imagine would be the most difficult to forgive in your family?”  In a family of 7 children we were taught to forgive everything.  My older brother used to terrorize me when my parents were gone and I would lock myself in my room until they came home.  One time he hit me in the jaw, breaking my glasses and displacing my jaw joint.  I always forgave him when he came to me and apologized through his tears.  As adults, we are now the best of friends and look back on that time with laughter, and he still apologizes.  What if I hadn’t forgave him?  I can’t imagine my life without him.

     In my later years after I was married, I used to think that infidelity would be the most difficult to forgive.  That is, until it happened to me.  My first husband and I had been married 5 years and we had one child when I found out he was cheating.  My worst nightmare, or so I thought at the time, had come true.  I was devastated, hurt, embarrassed, and sick to my stomach, defeated, depressed and withdrawn.  Long story short, I chose to forgive.  It was the hardest thing I ever had to do but through counseling with my parents and bishop, I knew that my son would benefit from me forgiving his dad.     Over the years we have remained friends and have co-parented.  People ask me how I do it and all I can think of is that we have been commanded to love one another and when we withhold our forgiveness from someone, we are withholding our love.  He never asked for my forgiveness, that is his prideful side that has never ceased, but I gave it to him anyway.  After 12 years, I am still grateful I made the decision to forgive.  

   I cannot think of any behaviors or situations in a family that should not be forgiven.  I lost a brother 4 years ago.  He died suddenly in his sleep.  I didn't get another day with him to tell him how sorry I was for judging him when he needed me the most.  I've had to forgive myself and as a family, we don't sweat the small stuff anymore, and the big stuff we don't let happen.  It's not worth it.  

   In this week’s reading I was reminded of the steps of forgiveness and I would like to share them with you:

1)       Recall the hurt.  In order to forgive, we have to be clear about the wrongdoing and acknowledge the injury.

2)      Empathize.  Empathy involves borrowing the lens of another person so we see something from their point of view.  To forgive, we must understand the transgressor’s feelings.

3)      Offer the altruistic gift of forgiveness.  Forgiving with altruism is easier when the victim is humbled by an awareness of his or her own shortcomings and offenses.

4)      Commit publicly to forgive.  The victim has a better chance of successful forgiveness if he or she verbalizes the forgiveness commitment to another person.

5)      Hold on to forgiveness.  It is important to move forward after the forgiveness process.  (p.206)

LET IT GO!

Forgiveness: My Burden Was Made Light

February 25, 2017....Faith in Family Life

            Joseph Smith defined faith not only as a belief but as “The principle of action in all intelligent beings” So what is the connection between faith and successful marriages and families?

The Family Proclamation teaches us that, “Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.”   We are taught to start our marriages in the faith of the gospel and to raise our families in that faith.

In chapter 18 of “Successful Marriages and Families” by Alan J. Hawkins, the importance of praying together as husband and wife and then as a family.  “Praying together as a family and reading the scriptures…..together is probably the best thing we do to pull us toward Heavenly Father and each other, it feels right.  It feels good” (p.188)  When I think of my own family, when things get tough and contention sets in, I immediately realize that we are not praying together and reading our scriptures.  It is true that those two things invite the spirit into our home.

One Christian Mother explained:

“We have disagreements in our marriage, we have things we don’t see the same sometimes, and faith is a source of help.  We can pray about things together and the Lord can help us work things out.  Sometimes one person has to give in and accept the other person’s point of view and it helps to be able to pray about things.  The Lord, He’s the best counselor you could ever have” (p. 189)

I love that the Lord truly is the best counselor we have.  I was watching Dr. Phil the other day who is a modern day counselor.  He was trying to help a family out of control and was frustrated in their responses.  When they showed clips of this family’s home life, all I could think of was that faith was missing from their home.  They felt hopeless and distraught.  I just wanted to tell them to pray for help, pray for peace in your home and pray for guidance.

Bringing faith into our marriages and family, we know is an act ordained of God.  Russell M. Nelson said, “The gospel of Jesus Christ is a sure foundation upon which we can build our individual faith. Some of us are weak; some are strong. We can waffle “like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed” (James 1:6), or we can anchor ourselves with cords of spiritual steel, rooted and grounded to the eternal truths of the gospel. Such faith will not prevent life’s problems but will help when things go wrong. Bad things happen to good people. Accidents occur. Some married couples may not be blessed with children. Others may not marry in this life, or they may find themselves married to one who fails to keep the commandments of God. The Lord is aware of these circumstances. He will bestow all the blessings that He has in store for His faithful children—in His own way and in His own time.  Be righteous, be patient, keep an eternal perspective, and you will be protected. (Russell M. Nelson, “Faith and Families”, BYU Speeches, Feb 6, 2005)

Joseph Smith defined faith not only as a belief but as “The principle of action in all intelligent beings” So what is the connection between faith and successful marriages and families?

The Family Proclamation teaches us that, “Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.”   We are taught to start our marriages in the faith of the gospel and to raise our families in that faith.

In chapter 8 of “Successful Marriages and Families” by Alan J. Hawkins, the importance of praying together as husband and wife and then as a family.  “Praying together as a family and reading the scriptures…..together is probably the best thing we do to pull us toward Heavenly Father and each other, it feels right.  It feels good” (p.188)  When I think of my own family, when things get tough and contention sets in, I immediately realize that we are not praying together and reading our scriptures.  It is true that those two things invite the spirit into our home.

One Christian Mother explained:

“We have disagreements in our marriage, we have things we don’t see the same sometimes, and faith is a source of help.  We can pray about things together and the Lord can help us work things out.  Sometimes one person has to give in and accept the other person’s point of view and it helps to be able to pray about things.  The Lord, He’s the best counselor you could ever have” (p. 189)

I love that the Lord truly is the best counselor we have.  I was watching Dr. Phil the other day who is a modern day counselor.  He was trying to help a family out of control and was frustrated in their responses.  When they showed clips of this family’s home life, all I could think of was that faith was missing from their home.  They felt hopeless and distraught.  I just wanted to tell them to pray for help, pray for peace in your home and pray for guidance.

Bringing faith into our marriages and family, we know is an act ordained of God.  Russell M. Nelson said, “The gospel of Jesus Christ is a sure foundation upon which we can build our individual faith. Some of us are weak; some are strong. We can waffle “like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed” (James 1:6), or we can anchor ourselves with cords of spiritual steel, rooted and grounded to the eternal truths of the gospel. Such faith will not prevent life’s problems but will help when things go wrong. Bad things happen to good people. Accidents occur. Some married couples may not be blessed with children. Others may not marry in this life, or they may find themselves married to one who fails to keep the commandments of God. The Lord is aware of these circumstances. He will bestow all the blessings that He has in store for His faithful children—in His own way and in His own time.  Be righteous, be patient, keep an eternal perspective, and you will be protected. (Russell M. Nelson, “Faith and Families”, BYU Speeches, Feb 6, 2005)

"Faith and Families" Russell M. Nelson

  

  

February 18, 2017.......Divorce: When is it right?

Having been through a divorce after 18 years of marriage, I struggled with the fact that my family fell apart, that I hadn’t lived up to what was expected of me by the family oriented church I belong to.  Even though at times it was hard to raise my children in the gospel alone, I knew it was the one consistent thing that my children and I could depend on when all other securities had been ripped out from underneath us. 

Elder Dallin H. Oaks said, “There are many good Church members who have been divorced. I speak first to them. We know that many of you are innocent victims—members whose former spouses persistently betrayed sacred covenants or abandoned or refused to perform marriage responsibilities for an extended period. Members who have experienced such abuse have firsthand knowledge of circumstances worse than divorce.”  

President James E. Faust said, “In my opinion, any promise between a man and a woman incident to a marriage ceremony rises to the dignity of a covenant.  Over a lifetime of dealing with human problems, I have struggled to understand what might be considered “just cause” for breaking of covenants.  I confess I do not claim the wisdom nor authority to definitely state what is “just cause.”  Only the parties to the marriage can determine this.  They must bear the responsibility for the train of consequences which inevitably follow if these covenants are not honored.  In my opinion, “just cause” should be nothing less serious than a prolonged and apparently irredeemable relationship which is destructive of a person’s dignity as a human being.”

When I read both of these quotes, I felt so much better about myself and my decision to divorce when I did.  I agree with President Faust in that there were a train of consequences that followed, but I don’t see the struggles of my divorce as consequences, I see them as a train of hurdles I had to overcome on my way to finding peace and happiness.  Especially after being in a mentally abusive and draining relationship.  

God knows what is in our hearts.  He knows the pain we endure, and he knows when we have done all we can to work it out.  Bottom line, God wants us to be happy.