When I had my first child, I wish I had been
given a instruction manual. I had no
idea how to be a parent let alone, a great parent. I had great examples because my parents were
the best and I had a great childhood in which they prepared me for life. So here I am, a new parent trying to find my
way. How do I raise my own son in love
and righteousness as taught in The Family Proclamation?
Brigham
Young Suggested: “Parents should never
drive their children, but lead them along, giving them knowledge as their minds
are prepared to receive it. Chastening
may be necessary betimes, but parents should govern their children by faith
rather than by the rod, leading them kindly by good example into all truth and
holiness” (Hawkins, p. 105) Reading this was a profound slap in the face. As parents, it is my opinion that we want to
drive our children and force them to do the right things or accomplish the
things we want them to accomplish. We
need to be careful though that we don’t end up being coercive. “The coercive style of parenting is characterized
by parents who deride, demean, or diminish children and teens by continually
putting them in their place, putting them down, mocking them, or holding power
over them”. (Hawkins, p. 105).
As a child, teenager and even a young adult, I
was the product of coercive parenting but only from one parent, my
mother. As I listened to Glenn Lathman describe what coercion is, I
recognized it immediately as something I experienced and even tried with my own
kids (emphasis on "tried") Lathman said, "Coercion
creates the image of expediency and efficiency". We
as parents tend to want immediate results and when we get those
results we think our approach worked. Therefore, we do it
again, potentially creating an environment our children want to
escape from. My first reaction is one of sadness.
Why would any parent want their children to escape their home? I know
that was the last thing my mother wanted me to do and I don't think she even
realized why at last I did. My father had the more active but loving
approach. I knew what was expected, but I also knew I could go to him is
times of confusion to talk things through. My mother was too over
emotional to just talk, instead she demanded my obedient behavior. I love
my mother, don't get me wrong, but being the 2nd oldest child of 7 and the
oldest girl, I got the trial and error version of her parenting. It seems
with every child after me her coercion efforts became less, as if she gave up
the fight. As her children began to make choices, some good, some bad,
she was humbled by the fact she could not control her children and force them
to choose the right. This is how she overcame her challenges and
tendencies to coerce.
As a single mom of
three children, I started out with the same tendencies to coerce my
children into obedient behavior. With the stress of being alone, work,
church and parenting in general, I soon realized that I could not parent
this way. I needed to create an environment where my children could come
talk with me, where they knew what I desired of them in their
behavior and choices but yet help them and love them when they
failed.
About a year ago,
my daughter (my youngest) was a freshman in high school. Her friends
of about 7 years chose a different path and she was headed down it
with them. Long story short, I got a call once night from
a dept. store that my daughter was caught shoplifting. I was in
immediate shock and needless to say, a terrible wreck by the time I got to the
store to pick her up. I didn't handle it well. In the week to
follow, several things were revealed that broke my heart
but I quickly realized that she didn't need my judgement or
constant reminding of her wrong choices, she needed my love. I
testify that it is the love that saved my sweet girl, not forcing her to
see the error of her ways, and into repentance, but loving
her and being there for her as "she" applied the
atonement to her life.
Joseph Smith said, "I teach
them correct principles and they govern themselves". When applied to parenting,
I believe this is our ultimate goal, that our children, having been taught,
will eventually govern themselves and hopefully chose God.
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